Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When you kidnap a writer.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands