WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.