Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti