“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona