Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
If only.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.