Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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