Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
You Might Also Like
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
WTF
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
We’ve come full circle
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.