Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Never let them know your next move 😂
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
🤣
@funTweeters
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.