What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Some people were born into their job.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)