Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I’m already scared
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
how to market bottled water to dads
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”