Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
even bears disappoint their mothers
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think