Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The best plant holders?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.