A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The “baby” on the left….
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.