Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???