*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going