next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You Might Also Like
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person