I finally found a reason to live again.
You Might Also Like
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
selfie game
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.