Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You Might Also Like
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
How do you milk an almond?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.