Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
You Might Also Like
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.