My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You Might Also Like
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.