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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
oppen heimer style lol
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.