[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
You Might Also Like
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.