My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected