LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.