It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂