When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If snakes were wide
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening