Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Kid comedians are all like āany of yāall ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell yāall about parentsā
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
āWhatās in your mouth whatās in your mouth whatās in your mouth whatās in your mouth whatās in your mouth whatāsā – people with babies
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as ābring home the baconāTheyād have us say ābring home the bagelsā
That suggestion has holes in it.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Dominoās: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Dominoās: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Dominoās: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Dominoās: NOW YOUR TOTALā¦
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” š
hate when i type some normal shit like āiām walking the dogā and my phone is like ādid you mean: iāmš¶āāļøthe š¶?ā no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Iāve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
commenting āso braveā on every couple photo on valentineās day, as a treat
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, thereās a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Hereās some money for the laundromat.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.