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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.