I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.