Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*