Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
still the best tweet of the year by far
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.