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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I hope Alan is OK
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”