Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Do not levitate over flowers
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool