Catercrombie & Fish
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
You learn something every day
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”