Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
i- i did not expect this
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
the council will decide your fate
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.