I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
This guy’s not having it 😆
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?