2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
A sick whale is called an unwhale
This meeting could have been a cake
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago