*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You Might Also Like
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?