My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
This rocks
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
my mom making me talk to relatives
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.