My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.