Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*