Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Finally, an explanation.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Something Saturday.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.