I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
The smoothest fall of all time
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.