wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it