Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.