A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
dictator is short for richard potato
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.