I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
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I’d … I’d rather not.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed