When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
LOL!
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.