ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Perfection.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
my mind
You just read my mind
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.