Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
See..?
.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.